I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
