I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
