I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
sarcasm needs its own font
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
