i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
