She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize