and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
