He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
