if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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