Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
