I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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