I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
