We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
