Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Randomize
