No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
