I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I need to sanitize my soul.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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