I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
