It's like God shit irony all over that family
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Randomize