On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
