my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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