So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
