I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
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