I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize