break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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