i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I'm like, not good at living.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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