You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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