I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
