my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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