I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
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