Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
