I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
