I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
