Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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