There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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