I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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