my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
