My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
