I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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