So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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