Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize