i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I wish there were birth control emojis
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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