Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
