I wannas sexs uuuuu
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
