i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
