You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
