so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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