I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
