i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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