The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
