You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
