I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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