Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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