kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
