JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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