I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
