why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
