i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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