I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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