goodnight i made you a song goodbye
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
