I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
