so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
