I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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