From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
