Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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