cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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