I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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